I like unicorns as much as the next person.
But if you’re asking if I’ve ever seen one . . . well, let’s just say I always like to leave room for magic in my life.
The same goes for happiness.
Despite the many shapes, sizes or containers people claim it comes in, it’s not a tangible object you can hold, no matter how hard you try.
We all face so much pressure over this expectation to be happy, all day, every day. It’s a goal we’re taught to have, a finish line to cross, a meaningful quest as (more?) worthy than any other.
Even more often, we’re asked to snap our fingers and just! be! positive!
But for some of us, just being positive just doesn’t work.
Aren’t you the happy camper?!
Look, I like to feel happy as much as the next person, but chasing happy reminds me a lot of chasing unicorns – you can feel the magic, but good luck trying to grab it by the horn.
It’s time we made a space between the expectation of always happy and positive, and labeling ourselves a full-on emotional mess.
Maybe you’re struggling. Maybe you’re doing just fine.
Either way, this belief we’re conditioned to hold sacred to always be happy is at odds with happiness itself. Using it as the ultimate standard creates a void of inadequacy we never quite seem to be able to fill. Instead of staying in the present, we look to past mistakes or future worries, widening this void.
It cripples our ability to process our thoughts and feelings.
Just be positive! Thanks so much, I didn’t think about that.
Yes, I’m positive – hold my umbrella
Now, I don’t have unicorn magic. But, thanks to psychologists, there are alternatives to the one-size-doesn’t-fit-all positivity advice.
The words unhappy and negative are umbrella terms we use to wade through our ocean of emotion.
FIRST, consider the possibility that you’re not actually unhappy.
What if, instead, you’re disappointed, feeling rejected, frustrated, sleep-deprived, simply dehydrated, or hangry?
This nuanced approach creates a better perspective if you shift from your go-to of ‘unhappy’ and consider that maybe, just maybe, you might be feeling something else.
Ever made a not-so-great decision when you’re hangry?
Hangry and unhappy might be related but they’re not the same.
Unhappy opens to the door to an existential crisis. Hangry prompts you to open the door to your fridge.
SECOND, recognize if, in the mire of disappointment or frustration, ‘just be positive’ is setting you up for a double whammy.
Not only do you feel pressure to ‘just be positive’, you then feel shame or guilt that, in fact, don’t even feel capable of being positive.
In short, you end up feeling like crap.
In that state of mind, it’s easy to either react impulsively, bottle up and suppress our feelings, or dwell on them incessantly every waking minute.
What does this do?
It increases our emotional labor, our mental chaos, and widens the distance between our actions and our true values.
Which is the exact opposite of what we’re trying to achieve to be happy.
Positive shi(f)t
The greater our emotional labor, the more we tend to burn out, think less of ourselves and lower our well-being.
If we instead try to create a space from our emotions, we can shift forward. We can remind ourselves that while we might feel a hundred different things – positive or negative or in-between – we can choose how to respond, not react, to whatever triggered our struggle.
That may not sound like magic, but when I use it, it sure feels like it.
Leave a Reply