On deep learning

I’ve been thinking a lot about depth lately. The idea alone feels as big as the universe: vast, boundless, insurmountable, unreachable in a lifetime. Also terrifying.

But if I turn around, what awaits me is the land of shallows. Good for a few necessary things, but fewer and fewer as I go on, as I slowly cast off the heavy sacks of hollow victories my younger self spent so much time chasing. What used to be an easy and convenient paradise now increasingly feels like an easy and convenient illusion, if I just keep my eyes open.

I am learning.

From depth comes meaning; at least, that has been my observation. It is the notch in the steep wall you achingly search for and hold on to as you grit your teeth and climb out of the dark pit of confusion and despair. It is no coincidence they say you have to “dig deep” when life brings you to your knees.

Surface learning, a natural entry point, is when you move from step to step, measure clearly, and neatly move forward because you see progress right before your eyes. The truth is that your most essential and valuable lessons have come via meanderings, through ups and downs, from stumbles and falls and getting back up, if indeed you did decide to get back up. This is deep learning; it takes you to bigger spaces, to better places.

So what does this “deep learning” take?

• it takes years, often, and multiple attempts; it cannot be rushed
• it takes letting go of the most familiar, even the most sacred, most taken-for-granted beliefs, habits, or perspectives
• it takes courage to stand up to your ego, your false self that feels like your practical default; the louder the ego gets, the more it’s a signal that you need to challenge it
• it takes falling. And learning to recover from falling. And the way you learn how to recover from falling is falling.
• there will be suffering, which doesn’t solve any problems but it is part of the human condition. Its purpose is to reveal the constant problem, while at the same time it is a constant invitation to open up space inside us, to love ourselves a little more so it may sink into our subconscious, so we may, in fact, know how to show up next time without it breaking us. (And lest we resist, it is the necessary pattern.)

Deep learning is part of our journey to wholeness, and contains both the darkness and the light. What it teaches us is that our wholeness, in its eternal paradox, is big enough for both.