Moving beyond constant interruption

I recently made up a project for myself: I completed a mini-study on Matisse. I checked out a dozen books from my local library for research. I took notes, studied his paintings, made rough sketches, created a rough time-and-story-line of his works, and highlights of his life and career. The whole project took about four weeks, at a relaxed pace.

I did this for no other reason other than to satisfy my own interest, and created a “project” to give it a loose structure. No deadlines, no money to be made, no one to report to or impress, no real purpose other than to just do it, in my free time.

And while I learned a lot about Matisse, his life and his art, I also learned about myself: the staggering number of times I interrupted myself.

The inner critic is relentless, and I like to think mine is particularly excellent at it. But I was floored how often it showed up when I chose to do something for fun, for myself, without any “serious” goals.

What’s the point? Why are you wasting time when you could be doing something more worthwhile? Shouldn’t you do the dishes first? Have you checked on the kids lately? If you have this much free time, something must be off.

And on. And on.

Interestingly, when I do have a serious goal (marathon training, anyone?), the inner critic is just as relentless, often recruiting self-doubt in its corner. My confidence drops down a notch, my progress slows, and at times I consider giving up.

My observation from all of this: I can expect to interrupt myself no matter what. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

That this happens isn’t news to me, but I saw it in a different light and a deeper perspective, and somehow it was more clear. Funny when you know something about yourself, and when you know something about yourself.

Instead of giving in, I finished my project. It was new, interesting, and I learned to start and finish something outside of my normal interests and routine, instead of dismissing an idea because it wasn’t a serious purpose or goal.

I also reminded myself of the many times I have accomplished serious, responsible goals (the kind my ego loves and approves), despite challenges or self-doubt.

My conclusion: I will (probably) always have thoughts that interrupt and challenge whatever I do, and it’s not always a bad thing; sometimes it is quite useful. The idea that “I should be over this by now” is also an interruption.

“It has bothered me all my life that I do not paint like everyone else.” —Henri Matisse

Matisse had his own share of them. And yet, here we are.

What matters is that you keep showing up. Let the interruption come, then let the interruption go. And keep moving forward.