And I think:
That I can make my own rules has been a revelation.
The realization they can save me from myself has been nothing short of remarkable.
In my 20s, I both followed authority and felt trapped by it. In my 30s, I understood some rules are necessary but still resented many.
Now, I try to be more pragmatic. I ask which rules are really important, and which ones are a cover for something else. The world can be a tricky place.
Making rules for myself is even trickier, but it is power I hold all to myself.
It means accepting that I’m saying yes to a few things and no to a lot. It is not to restrict my range of experience or play tyrant to myself—I should do this, I should do that (although sometimes that’s needed)—it is to remind me of the path I want to be on in the long-term, which is not always easy to do.
It’s to keep me from waffling when I’m unsure in times I’m not feeling as strong or as confident or not-hungry as I’d like. I frequently require saving from myself, from giving space to impulses that beg for feel-good-now and oh-crap-later. ‘Know Thyself’ is pretty handy, folks.
It’s also to keep from repeating my mistakes. Sometimes it takes a few (several) times to get the message and stop the insanity.
Is it really imprisonment if you call the shots and hold the key in your hand? Freedom comes with responsibility, and if I need to hide the key from myself so I can do what I set out to do, then I’m happy to lock myself in for a while.
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