It’s infuriating how easily negative thoughts can take over if you let them. I can do a phenomenal job of making them feel at home. Once those roots are planted, you almost feel like a traitor if you try to kick them out.
Of course, we all know that that’s not a good thing, but when you’re stuck in the mire of worry, anxiety, self-flagellation or any variety of negative emotion when life doesn’t to go your way, sometimes it’s difficult to see clearly.
We all have to take our punches, but how we approach the ups and rally in the in-betweens spills over how we tackle the inevitable downs. They may not always be the defining moments, but they shape our path, influence our choices and set the bar for our happiness and well-being, should we allow them to stay.
The Negative Filter
When a negative mindset becomes a permanent filter, casting a shadow in good times, building barbed-wire fences when opportunities knock, expecting failure at every turn or self-sabotaging at the first hint of success, it’s a sign you’ve decided that negative is a way of life.
What’s dangerous about this is how easy it feels. Your mind is an expert, convincing you it’s for your own good. It’s aim is to protect and anticipate danger when your guard is down. But when it takes control and goes overboard, your glass seems perpetually half-empty.
In my younger years I used to wonder why people talked about “working” on happiness. Shouldn’t happy be the easy part? Most of us know differently. When habits have had a long time to build, it takes effort to train your mind to think differently, until the old habit is replaced by a newer, more useful one, useful enough to deliver results better than the previous habit.
Life-hack: The long way is the best short-cut
It’s much easier to look for tactics or tools when trying to change something you’ve outgrown or if it hurts more than it helps, but I keep learning—and life sure reminds me, lest I forget—that first and foremost comes the need to change my mindset. No amount of “hard work” will change anything for the long term if I keep pretending the mental part is easy, less important than taking action, not worth tackling because it’s intangible or—believe it or not—a sign of being lazy.
Any mindset change starts with being mindful.
To be honest I didn’t know for a long while what that really meant or why it’s useful. Often times I catch myself trying something new only if I can have some sort of guarantee that it will succeed. I have friends who’ve thought that about yoga. Some feel that way about meditation. Others about making time for exercise. Yet there’s always time for TV or happy hours or gossip magazines, because it’s guaranteed “happiness”, however brief or superficial.
When you’re mindful, it is easier to catch yourself defaulting into your old habit. I could be having the best time in the world, but boy if I open the door just a crack negative thoughts can swarm in like college freshmen on a beach on spring break. Why am I doing xyz? Why didn’t I do abc instead? So and so is way ahead. I already know it will fail. And on and on.
It takes conscious effort to acknowledge whatever bull poop my mind has decided to manufacture that particular day and dial it back in. Whatever your “thing” might be—snacking too much, surfing when you should be working, complaining—start with being mindful. “Hey, I’m doing ___ again.”
Then stop. No reproach, no rebuke, no reaction. Observation without judgement.
Next comes taking action. I’ve found what works for others may not work for me, but if I have no idea how to deal with something, watching how they did it gives me a place to start. That’s the tricky thing about advice sometimes, it worked for whoever is giving it and is based on their experience. This is why if you have a role model and follow their approach, for you it might totally flop. Another option is to look back to an area where you had success, let’s say, waking up early, and apply the same principle to something else, like becoming more organized or exercising regularly, and you may find it works.
This trial and error is the start of the long way, but it is the best short-cut. Not just because this requires plenty of practice, but that finding what works for you gives has the best odds it will stick.
The Net Gain
The catch—oh yes, there is one—is that this can be uncomfortable. Sometimes, very. And it is easy to quit, because remember, sinking with the negative is low-effort and rising up to positive takes work.
It’s worth it, though. I’ve never looked back and said to myself, “I’m so proud that I stayed in that funk for so long, or believed all that self-defeating crap.”
You may feel differently, but I doubt it.
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