A few days ago, I said the best ‘no’ I’ve said in a long time.
What made this so special? It’s a simple word after all, and practically anyone is capable of saying it any time they want. And yet, it was. I was able to say it with confidence, grace and a smile, without a hint of negative energy behind it. And the fact it came naturally, even before I realized it, well I call that progress.
Here I was, sitting in a nice restaurant, having a lovely time with my brother and both our spouses, enjoying some lovely wine. When the waitress brought my entree (the token vegetarian meal on the menu), I took one taste and was so underwhelmed I could not bring myself to eat another bite.
You see, I’m not a foodie. I enjoy food but it’s not a deep passion; some are food lovers while some of us are just friends. One less-than-great meal doesn’t usually turn me off. But on this night, a special adults-only night, a pre-celebration of my birthday—um, no.
So, when the waitress checked on us to see if we liked the food, I said…no. And for the first time ever, I sent it back.
Not exactly groundbreaking.
But.
Here’s the thing: So often, we have choices that are so obvious we don’t see them. This was one meal. But it could easily have been another situation, equally non-world-changing. When we get wrapped up in the setting we’re in, feel compelled to please or be polite or want to be liked, we default to saying yes. In the moment, we give in.
How many decisions like that do we make in a day? The resentment or guilt of saying yes when we have the choice to say no ends up draining you, shrinking you. This leaves the door open for frustration, self-reproach, or that third slice of cake.
Saying no is harder than it seems. Saying it gracefully, respectfully, even more so.
Do we always have a choice? I believe we almost always do. We may not like it, but the choice is there. The trash needs taking out. Numbers need to be checked. Bills need to paid. Do we always get to choose what we want? No, because at times it’s not worth the price.
A consequence of saying yes is that if you do it enough, it becomes a habit. So much so that you start to forget about the times you CAN choose to say no. Not to displease someone else, but to stay honest to yourself. However, if you practice it enough in small, non-world-changing situations, it slowly starts to change your world.
Small is practice for big, for when the situation changes and calls on you to take a bigger stand, like letting that toxic relationship go, turning down the wrong client, or stop keeping up your insides with other people’s outsides.
Small does not necessarily mean insignificant.
But it can raise eyebrows. It can turn your deed into “an incident”. Or, as in my case, the butt of jokes for several days (albeit in good fun).
Maybe it’s my daily meditation that I’ve been sticking to faithfully, or the fact that I was having a good time, or maybe, just maybe, it was the next step. Regardless, in a teeny tiny way, I intentionally moved away from a default answer without offending or the fear of doing so, while avoiding resentment which I’d have to manage or prevent spilling over to the people around me.
When it came to dessert, however, I did default to a big yes. Luckily, it was delicious.
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