And I think: How wonderful to know that in my ongoing evolution— from the dark nights of the soul to the days, weeks, months, and sometimes years of slow steps and minuscule progress; to showing up day after day without reward till I understand, yet again, that showing up is what matters; to the hard-earned self-knowledge; to waking up every morning and struggling to stay in the uncertainty while I go about my days being responsible and conscientious; to face my problems … [Read more...]

No matter what goes on in the outside world, the inner work does not stop. It must not stop. Failure can grind us to a halt. Be it the mere idea of it, or the perception, or the heavy sinking feeling of experiencing it. We dig our heels in. We put our defenses on and get our weapons out, ready to inflict pain on the world or on ourselves. Or we simply stall in our helplessness, or stray off our path. Failure is an inevitable part of life, but luckily, so is learning to deal with it. At … [Read more...]

I've been thinking a lot about depth lately. The idea alone feels as big as the universe: vast, boundless, insurmountable, unreachable in a lifetime. Also terrifying. But if I turn around, what awaits me is the land of shallows. Good for a few necessary things, but fewer and fewer as I go on, as I slowly cast off the heavy sacks of hollow victories my younger self spent so much time chasing. What used to be an easy and convenient paradise now increasingly feels like an easy and convenient … [Read more...]

We want and need constants in life. We want certainty and we want (and love) control. Because those things are somewhat hard to come by, when we do get them, we hold on for dear life. Literally. To be fair, life without some measure of certainty would be too chaotic. But the thing about life is that it doesn't let you rest in that certainty for too long. Sometimes, though, you get want you want; you get to keep your constants. You take comfort in the predictable and the expected. It's … [Read more...]

"Little grey cells" was all it took, he claimed. The man, the wit and the moustache, together known as Hercule Poirot, is Agatha Christie's incomparable detective. His grey cells snatched up the most puzzling mysteries and expertly unraveled them at the core. Much of my childhood was spent wrapped up in those books, from the hook on the first page—the seemingly impossible murder—to the satisfying and fantastical reveal, and usually neat and tidy end. Did I learn how to use my little grey … [Read more...]

And I think: I am intrigued by Ms Oliver's words, stated in reference to Edgar Allen Poe's short story The Tell-Tale Heart, in which an unnamed narrator kills an old man of whom he is fond because of a blue veil that covers one eye, one the narrator feels is evil. Opinions vary on what the "evil eye" symbolizes, but a common thread appears to be that the narrator cannot accept the evil in his character that the veiled eye reflects, and so he chooses to kill the old man rather than change … [Read more...]

I'm not afraid of heights. But standing at the edge of a towering cliff would give anyone pause. You can see the sheer drop from where you stand. The thrill, the beauty of all you see from this high, and a sense of possibility can fill one with enormous hope. Dreams and desires feel just within reach. You drink this in deeply, and in that moment get a taste of life at its fullest. That's the romantic version, anyway. If you're afraid of heights, all you taste is fear. Your heart pounds, … [Read more...]

Your world—your life—is both ordinary and extraordinary. And it needs to be both. Does that feel like a contradiction in terms? The better we orchestrate both these facets, the closer we get to the core of what we deeply aspire to and yearn for in our years here on this planet. The ordinariness is the routine and the obligations of daily living. It's paying your bills, doing your job, brushing your teeth. It's your calendar. It's your clock. It's your plans. It's the order and … [Read more...]

Most of us, most of the time, follow a pattern that looks something like this: Something happens, we react. If it's good, we get happy, or take it for granted. If it isn't good, we get anxious, fearful or angry, and demand things be different (i.e., control). We forget we have very little control in the grand scheme of things, and much of our struggle comes from trying to do that exact thing. The antidote to being at the whim of every circumstance, and thus reducing struggle, is … [Read more...]

And I think: I was hungry again for the right thing. I am utterly fascinated by the beauty and meaning of this arrangement of words. Not a craving for a quick fix. Not the anticipation of satisfaction. But the willingness to see and accept the hunger—a need not yet met—and giving it space. How often do we take what our heart truly hungers for, step back, and hold it up for thoughtful, or better yet, soulful examination, before scrambling in a rush to feed it, grabbing the … [Read more...]